May be its me - not having had a relation for so long or just not having had time to look and pursue.
But having decided to slow down from work, from minting money from the business of life, I have suddenly started yearning for company for some one to wake up with, some one to go to the nights at art gallery some one to sit with on the beach at night .. blah blah blah
This plus the feeling from the dancing at the club without being approached soon after I turned 32, seems to have hit the nail a bit too deep, pushing me to do things a bit too swiftly a tad too fast.
I met this guy online the profile didn't have hook up in "Looking for" and we talked and talked. He had a career, was Latino, in shape and seemed to have a good heart.On our first face to face date, we met to watch a movie at his place instead, ended up making out before the movie actually started. Amazing chemistry, total match so here I go as if time travelled back 9 years , I fell again and fell pretty bad - texts back and forth, in a week I am making him a spicy Indian broth for his bad cold, offering him to come help with his home while he is sick.
Week 4 - I started floating in my dream world listening to Besame mucho over and over again, and then my new found piece of sunshine got laid off!!! Oh the times we live in!!
Its tough for anybody to come face to face with loosing something such big part of our existence. I was being supportive, collecting references etc etc finally we go out our only 3rd date, to a club.
We drank, danced and in one of those moments, on the dance floor he whispered in a voice loud enough to be heard in the music , "I don't know what I'd do without you. You are so there when I need you". He said he loved me and kissed - I felt like this is it - this is dream come true and responded with a equally passionate response. A moment later, something happened and he said he was going to get our drinks and took a while to return, only to find him with someone else at another corner of the club. He saw me watching him(me having gone looking out for him wondering if he again sat somewhere worrying), came to me and asked me out of the blue "Do you want to own me" ?!!! staring right into my face!
I was really clue less with "What ?" boomeranging in my head followed by WTH WTF once I realised what he had said. I didn't know what to say!! What made him say that?I was just being there being supportive but not without expectations. Did he realise he was letting go to be of somebody when in reality he wanted to be single have fun? Did he realise he was falling for some one he didn't think was his type? worst, did he think I had seduced him to the point of saying what he said to me?Was he just too drunk?
I wrote to him anyway as if nothing had happened and he replied saying it was good as long as it lasted but its not meant to be!!!
There ends my first quick affair of my thirties!! My short lived fairy tale love story!
Friend of mine said I am too available! (Is he actually saying am desperate?). Another said I just need to meet more people third one said I need to slow down and stop doing too much too early.
I just felt the guy caught himself off guard doing what he might not have prepared himself for.
But there's a way to say one is not ready. Anyway I am still worrying about it- oh no not about him just about the whole thing of where did I go wrong? Whats the right way to do it?
As strangers reading a blog, I believe you guys can give honest opinions.
You don't have the anxiety to be politically right, or fear of confronting me!:)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Questions that haunt me about US
Returning to the clubs after almost 5 years, I found myself in the midst of the thampa thampa.
The friend for whose birthday I was at the club pulled a strange act of not making it to his own birthday celebration!! I felt I should just leave but some how felt I should do something I haven't done in a long time- Dance like no body's watching.
Part of it was to get over my anxiety of how out of place I must be. What must be the group of twats thinking about me. Was it a big mistake wearing white leather shoes and belt? I said to myself - What the hell now or never. I refuse to fall into the abyss of being relegated to the have been scene. If I didn't care to to bother about me liking guys, why am bothering about approval of a few of those guys.
As I danced the night away, I didn't get hit. Didn't find it surprising but a lot of thoughts ran through my mind. A lot of questions.
Why is the gay world so unforgiving?
By the time you are 32 and its showing , you are almost close to end of your time where you get on to the dance floor or even if u sat at the bar, you would get hit ! no matter what your dance moves are like, no matter what you do in life, no matter if you look your best.
Once you cross the line the pressure is a bit too much to handle! to be young, to be wanted, to hold on to what was your life.
Gays are much less forgiving - a little bit of extra weight, a small fashion flaw, a small deviation in etiquette, a small failure.. You got to do it right else u are out of the game of decent doable hookups of the who did who circuit of the list whose numbers are sought over of the group that never bothers about making back up plans for evenings.
When do people remove "Sex/Hookup" from the "Looking for" section of your profile.?
While searching for an escape from haunts that were consequences of question 1, I meet guys in my own age that were in similar shoes. Profiles that read genuine 32,36,40 and looked like it.
Profiles that said little but said it clear. Profiles that didn't swear about their size or credibility of their performance.
I went out met some of these people and there I was!! Suddenly felt at home with guys that didn't want to go clubbing every week end, Guys that wanted to sit and talk before rubbing you or feelin your behind. Guys that didn't look disappointed if you could only make out. Guys that returned your call after you have had it.
Did it mean I should stick to my new found group?Of all times, what mattered now was to be with my own tribe, to be able to relate to others and be related to, to be with and do all the things normal groups in strt world do do go beyond being gay at nights and week ends.
So, what was my profile doing out there? I went and removed the "sex" from looking for, the race pictures of shaved body parts.
What was your reason apart from the obvious "Found the right one"?
Why do the right ones say "I am not ready yet"?
My first ever guy that I fell in love with blindly and over my heels, was also the first one that said it. The question hadn't come up till then. I was ready to break all barriers, leave family, leave friends, I didnt mind driving into the countryside daring blizzards, snow, rain in middle of night at odd hours just to see him whenever he was in town.
The first time somebody said this to me ended my first phase of being a guy that falls in love with guys. I went into isolation, thinking rethinking everything. Was it not meant to be? Was it ever meant to be?. I wound up everything like closing doors on life, the "dutiful son" caught on to me and I returned home to be the real guy the normal person.
years rolled, and may be it was not meant to be, painful separation, phases of frustration phases of loneliness and there I was back looking for that love of life where I really belonged.
as a consequence of my quest for the previous question, I did meet a nice guy some one I thought would be the ideal guy to live with and spend rest of my life. And guess what? At the end of an amazing evening, there it was "What are you looking for?" before I could reply, he continued, "cos am not looking for a relation, I just need something regular" and hmm telling myself "Yeah me too" probably it was the reality of loosing time of not taking the risk of one guy I found and a distant hope of this one being the one to wake up next to for a long time to come to.
Some day there will be a guy that doesn't say this. May be this guy will grow into saying stay when I want to leave or asking If we could be more.
The friend for whose birthday I was at the club pulled a strange act of not making it to his own birthday celebration!! I felt I should just leave but some how felt I should do something I haven't done in a long time- Dance like no body's watching.
Part of it was to get over my anxiety of how out of place I must be. What must be the group of twats thinking about me. Was it a big mistake wearing white leather shoes and belt? I said to myself - What the hell now or never. I refuse to fall into the abyss of being relegated to the have been scene. If I didn't care to to bother about me liking guys, why am bothering about approval of a few of those guys.
As I danced the night away, I didn't get hit. Didn't find it surprising but a lot of thoughts ran through my mind. A lot of questions.
Why is the gay world so unforgiving?
By the time you are 32 and its showing , you are almost close to end of your time where you get on to the dance floor or even if u sat at the bar, you would get hit ! no matter what your dance moves are like, no matter what you do in life, no matter if you look your best.
Once you cross the line the pressure is a bit too much to handle! to be young, to be wanted, to hold on to what was your life.
Gays are much less forgiving - a little bit of extra weight, a small fashion flaw, a small deviation in etiquette, a small failure.. You got to do it right else u are out of the game of decent doable hookups of the who did who circuit of the list whose numbers are sought over of the group that never bothers about making back up plans for evenings.
When do people remove "Sex/Hookup" from the "Looking for" section of your profile.?
While searching for an escape from haunts that were consequences of question 1, I meet guys in my own age that were in similar shoes. Profiles that read genuine 32,36,40 and looked like it.
Profiles that said little but said it clear. Profiles that didn't swear about their size or credibility of their performance.
I went out met some of these people and there I was!! Suddenly felt at home with guys that didn't want to go clubbing every week end, Guys that wanted to sit and talk before rubbing you or feelin your behind. Guys that didn't look disappointed if you could only make out. Guys that returned your call after you have had it.
Did it mean I should stick to my new found group?Of all times, what mattered now was to be with my own tribe, to be able to relate to others and be related to, to be with and do all the things normal groups in strt world do do go beyond being gay at nights and week ends.
So, what was my profile doing out there? I went and removed the "sex" from looking for, the race pictures of shaved body parts.
What was your reason apart from the obvious "Found the right one"?
Why do the right ones say "I am not ready yet"?
My first ever guy that I fell in love with blindly and over my heels, was also the first one that said it. The question hadn't come up till then. I was ready to break all barriers, leave family, leave friends, I didnt mind driving into the countryside daring blizzards, snow, rain in middle of night at odd hours just to see him whenever he was in town.
The first time somebody said this to me ended my first phase of being a guy that falls in love with guys. I went into isolation, thinking rethinking everything. Was it not meant to be? Was it ever meant to be?. I wound up everything like closing doors on life, the "dutiful son" caught on to me and I returned home to be the real guy the normal person.
years rolled, and may be it was not meant to be, painful separation, phases of frustration phases of loneliness and there I was back looking for that love of life where I really belonged.
as a consequence of my quest for the previous question, I did meet a nice guy some one I thought would be the ideal guy to live with and spend rest of my life. And guess what? At the end of an amazing evening, there it was "What are you looking for?" before I could reply, he continued, "cos am not looking for a relation, I just need something regular" and hmm telling myself "Yeah me too" probably it was the reality of loosing time of not taking the risk of one guy I found and a distant hope of this one being the one to wake up next to for a long time to come to.
Some day there will be a guy that doesn't say this. May be this guy will grow into saying stay when I want to leave or asking If we could be more.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
All my thoughts!
I Started blogging finally!!..just around when 2008 was coming to an end, just around when everyone has a blog just around when am coming to terms with myself just around when the haze around life is starting to clear
just around.. ...ugh whatever.. :)
Here's the Brownguysblog!! from a brown guy in thirties, full of contradictions(Think of a Gay Republican in the US!!! ),semi closeted that doesn't believe in labels etc
okkk the blog should speak for itself as we go.. so, here's wishing you a Very Happy New Year!! its going to be a big one!! and Happy Reading.
just around.. ...ugh whatever.. :)
Here's the Brownguysblog!! from a brown guy in thirties, full of contradictions(Think of a Gay Republican in the US!!! ),semi closeted that doesn't believe in labels etc
okkk the blog should speak for itself as we go.. so, here's wishing you a Very Happy New Year!! its going to be a big one!! and Happy Reading.
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